0:00
There is a moment in this work with ayahuasca that most people are not fully prepared for.
So not the visions, the beauty and the deep insights, but that moment that you start realizing that you are not alone in your own energetic field.
And I don't mean psychologically, I mean energetically, because when you enter the space of ayahuasca, something opens up and the ordinary filter or whale that keeps your perception contained or limited, it starts to dissolve and suddenly you are no longer just inside your thoughts and your emotion.
0:34
You feel that you are inside of a much larger field, and that field includes you, but also is not limited to only you.
And in that field there are forces, some supportive like our ancestors and spirit kites, some neutral, and some that can be disruptive, destructive, and can feed on our energetic body.
0:57
And people call them different things, spiritual parasite entities, demons, energetic attachments.
And it doesn't really matter what kind of land which you use.
What matters is that when your system opens up, your sensitivity increases.
And when your sensitivity increases, your ability to feel and to see what's moving within and outside you also increases.
1:17
This is why the container matters in ceremony and it's by the integrity of this space is so important.
And This is why working with people who actually understand the energetic, ancestral and spiritual dimension of this work is not optional.
It's crucial for our safety because this is not just emotional healing or trauma release.
1:39
You are stepping into a multi dimensional and ancestral healing process and most people are completely untrained in how to navigate that.
And in this episode, I'm going to take you into something very deep that I encountered at the last retreat this weekend.
1:56
And we're going to share with you my direct experience with what I can only describe as spiritual parasites and where I've made mistakes and assumptions and where I was to open and what that actually cost me.
We'll dive into what you need to understand when it comes to protecting yourself, cleansing your system, and closing your energetic field after working with ayahuasca and why the breath is not just a tool for calming down, but a direct way of regulating and reclaiming your energetic space.
2:29
And we're going to dive into something deeper, the wounds that you might have inside of you that might open you up to these energies.
Because this is the part that almost no one talks about.
It is not just about what is out there.
It's about what is in you that is open, unguarded, and unconsciously inviting it in.
2:51
But first, let me take you into the first ceremony of this weekend, where this episode was born.
3:31
During this weekend retreat, I had the sensation lying in ceremony, feeling that something was crawling or feeding on my neck, and my first instinct was just fear and reaction.
Get it off, remove it, fight it.
3:47
But nothing really worked.
And what became clear was that this was not something I could force out or RIP out or control.
It had a relationship to something inside of me.
And this is where most of us can misunderstand what we encounter on this path.
4:04
Because yes, there are experiences in these spaces that can feel external, invasive, Not you.
But the access point is always internal.
Something in you is open.
Something in you is unresolved.
4:21
Something in you is either depleted, unprotected, or unconsciously available.
So instead of trying to RIP this thing off, I had to really stop.
And I had to feel not the crawling sensation on my neck, but what was underneath it.
4:40
And what I found there was not really a parasite or affair of a parasite, but something really old, a vulnerability, A wound, a place in me that did not know how to protect itself.
A place in me that still believed it, had to tolerate what was not good for it.
4:59
And I started realizing that many times when I encounter this frightening and anxious and scary energy, there's so many times just a part of me that needs to be loved, that needs to be forgiven, or a wound that needs healing.
5:16
So instead of pushing it away, I started shifting my attention.
I stayed with a sensation and I dropped deeper into the emotional layer beneath it, and that's when the process became very intense and when the breath becomes essential for my work because breath is not just calming the system down during ayahuasca or after ayahuasca, breath is also how you regulate your field.
5:44
You're bringing pure light and consciousness into every cell of your being.
You bring presence into the body that supercharges your field with pure consciousness, and it charges your internal battery so that the light within you can move around with full force and heal you.
6:02
When the breath becomes shallow and chaotic and reactive, your feel becomes fragmented.
And when your breath becomes slow, grounded, and coherent, your feel begins to organize.
It's like you invite the sun to a shadowy forest, and suddenly there's a lot of sun for everything healthy to grow and no place for the shadows to hide.
6:23
So it starts transforming and with the lack of presence in breathing, we are cutting off our inner supply to the most healing power we have, our awareness and our breath.
And when these two are fragmented and not fully connected, it's easy for fragmentation to happen and for other energies to feed on us because we are unconscious and not aware.
6:45
So I started breathing deeply, slow, deep through the body, not trying to get rid of anything, but stabilizing myself.
And as I did, something very beautiful happened.
The panic dropped and the urgency and the thing that I felt on my neck just started to lose its intensity, not because I was fighting it, but because I stopped feeding it.
7:11
With these experiences with ayahuasca, we often amplify the energy where there is a charge, where there is fear, where there is resistance.
And when you stabilize, when you stop reacting, when you come back into your body fully, the dynamic starts changing.
And what I began to see was that this was not just about something attached to me.
7:31
It was showing me exactly where I was still available to being drained, where I was not closing my energy field properly, and where I had a wound inside.
I was still active, still unhealed, where I was not fully in ownership of my own space.
7:47
Because opening up in this work is really, really easy.
Anyone can drink a cup or take some medicine, but very few people know how to close the energetic field afterwards.
And this is where a lot of the mistakes happen after ceremony, when the system is still open and people just walk back into life without sealing anything properly.
8:08
So there's no grounding and no clearing and no energetic boundary.
Because without that we are working around open and if you stay open long enough, something might take advantage of that.
So with my question to Cesar, where I asked him if I have a spiritual parasite, how do I get rid of it?
8:27
He looked at me and said that is the wrong question.
Because if you have a wound on your arm and that wound is open and infected and you're walking around outside on this farm, flies will come.
8:43
But the flies themselves, they are not evil.
They are not bad spirits.
They just come because something is smelling delicious and is open and you want to feed.
And you're not going to solve anything by chasing the flies.
You solve it by healing the wound because when the wound closes, the flies disappear.
9:04
And this was such an aha moment for me because I shifted my attention away from what's on me to what is inside of me.
And I asked this are also about my anxiety before the ceremony because sometimes my anxiety can get very high in intense during ayahuasca.
9:21
And it's all of the different fears from childhood that comes up.
And I said, well, how can I also transform that fully?
And he said that your anxiety and that vibration that I was speaking about in my stomach for many people comes from abandonment.
And if I have a lot of anxiety or a lot of negative energy and judgement, we produce this negative charge and energy.
9:44
But if we produce that energy, who is going to eat that energy?
That is where the parasites come in.
He says that they are the universe's way to trying to digest and transform this energy because all energy that's being produced, it's going to be consumed by something and then transform.
So if we produce a certain energy, we attract something that matches it and it wants to feed on it.
10:06
So if we have an open wound and we have an opening in our energetic field, we are calling in a teacher or an entity.
The might starts vibrating, good or bad, to help us put our attention on it so we can also put our attention in healing it.
And I felt so deeply that he was right, because I'd live with that vibration for so many years, this deep, almost electric fear in my stomach.
10:29
And every time I got close to something I really desired, like real love, real expansion, real embodiment, my music, my songs, it starts activating.
And the only way I've been able to regulate it is by filling it with food, overeating until that sensation stops.
10:47
Not because I was hungry, but because I needed to numb that vibration enough to rest to get a break from it.
So that night I stopped looking at the parasite completely and I went looking for the wound.
And what I found was so life changing.
Suddenly I could see and feel a black hole in my stomach, a big, dense, heavy open wound, and when I stayed with it, a memory came.
11:16
Sitting alone in the grass at the farm that I once grew up.
My mother was gone, my sister was gone, and my closest friend, my best friend, my goat, was also gone.
I was alone, left with the very two adults that I was the most scared of, and the feeling was absolute isolation beyond sadness and fear.
11:39
Something so deep like existence without connection, darkness without any possibility of light, like being completely cut off from everything and remember feeling it so clearly as a child.
And I made a decision that I was never going to feel that way again.
11:58
And from that moment, the contract with myself was born and everything in my life became organized around not feeling that feeling.
So instead I danced with food and distractions and relationship and work, constantly moving away, distracting myself from that place and feeling.
12:15
So of course the wound stayed open.
And of course something would feed on that because it was never actually met.
The day after an integration with Martha, the psychologist at the retreat, I also asked her about this abandonment wound.
And I asked her, well, what do I do with this now?
12:33
And she asked me, what would you do with a child that was abandoned?
And I said, well, I wouldn't invite them to play and have fun with them and do something to feel connected.
And she said, well, that's you just spinning that child around to distract it so it doesn't have to feel the pain.
And then she lifted up a pillow and said, if this pillow was this child that was abandoned, what you're saying is that you would just spin this pillow around and distracted.
13:00
But what would you do with this child if it was this pillow?
It was feeling, this abandonment?
And of course I would take that pillow and hug it dearly.
I would love and connect and listen.
I would not feed it with lots of ice cream or give it lots of Netflix and distract it with activities like I've done in my life and in my work.
13:23
I would love it so dearly and give it all my attention.
So in the following ceremony, I told Cesar I found my wound.
The parasite was gone.
Not because I removed it, but because I stopped being available in the same way.
And then I got so sad because I thought of all of you, all of my brothers and sisters that are walking around like this with a hole in their stomach, trying to fill it with everything over giving and food and substances and work and sex and noise, anything not to feel that one silent, unbearable place of abandonment.
14:06
And I decided to just go deeper onto this path, to really understand this fully, to close the wound properly, to bring closure to this, and to go deeper into my dieta, into my process so that I could eventually also guide others through this deep healing of the abandonment wound.
14:27
And what was so magical at this retreat was that even though my theme was abandonment and I was working on this wound and I was sharing about it in front of everyone, it was also my birthday.
And suddenly Erica, who owns and runs this retreat with Cesar, lifted up the birthday cake as I was sharing about this wound that I had found.
14:51
And they started singing Happy Birthday for me in ceremony.
And I was standing there inside the process of deep abandonment, being met with celebration and the opposite energy of what had created this wound.
Love people who see me.
15:08
And I could feel something in that hole shifting, not because it was being fixed or forced, but because it was being met so differently, with care and compassion and celebration.
And I felt so grateful that over the last 10 years, I have been able to walk with these incredible teachers and facilitators and doing this work and been in such a safe space, sharing all of these processes that I've been going through.
15:40
And that is the question that I think is so important for us doing this work.
Who is holding our space?
Who is holding the space for our process?
Because there's a real difference between opening something up within you and knowing how to close it.
15:58
And I know this is where a lot of people get hurt at other retreats.
Because the medicine is not the problem.
She's doing what she's supposed to do, bringing light to these wounds, opening up and helping us heal them.
But if the container is not safe and experienced enough, you might open up a deep emotional and an energetic wound or material, and then you walk out without properly closing your system.
16:23
It's like leaving a wound exposed, where it's sensitive and unprotected and still processing.
And then people wonder why the days of the ceremony, it feels chaotic and heavy and confusing because the system is still open, the process is still active, So in a properly held space you just don't drink and leave.
16:43
There is always a deliberate closing of the energy field, 1 by 1.
The shaman and the facilitators will work with you, using breath and sound and different tools and medicine to stabilize and to seal and to close the energetic field.
16:59
No one is allowed to leave before they have done this.
And you can see it happening when they're working with someone closing their energetic field.
Because if something is still moving within them, the body will respond.
People will purge, they will shake, they will cry, and they will release but is still active.
17:16
And only when the system is settled can they close the energetic feel.
And this is where a lot of confusion comes around, what people call entities and spirits because again, we jump so quickly to labeling something as bad.
But what I have seen is very different.
17:34
It reminds me of the story that was shared with me by the psychologist Esteban, who has spent 16 years in ceremony with Indigenous shamans.
And during one of the ceremonies, someone had a very deep purge.
And when he went over to help him and looked into the bucket, he saw something that he called an entity.
17:53
And the entity told him, this man burned down a forest where I was the guardian.
I was the spirit of this land many, many lifetimes ago, and all the animals and all the trees and all the plants at that land died.
So I decide to follow him into the next lifetime to teach him a lesson.
18:12
And now our work is complete.
That man, without knowing it, had had a soul contract with an entity that had caused an emotional and spiritual blueprint.
And when he fully healed it, when he fully filled it, and when he fully felt it, accepted this emotional material that he carried with him and accepted it and released it.
18:35
When he felt the pain of the animals and the forests and he understood deeply the importance of respecting the land and the beings that live there, When he surrendered to that lesson, he could let go and the entity disappeared.
18:53
And we can of course digest that and interpret that in many different ways based on our spiritual framework, religious framework.
Some will call it karma or psyche or projection or spirit or psychosis.
And I can also not verify any of this.
I only know my truth.
19:09
But I can definitely verify that there is a pattern in these experiences.
Sharing this space with over 1000 people over the last 10 years, there are experiences in this work that can feel like they are carrying history, ancestral material, weight, intelligence, and I don't see them being resolved by force.
19:29
They resolved through completion, through feeling what has not been felt, through allowing that emotional imprint to move fully through the body.
And when that happens, something will release.
Not because it was removed, but because it was resolved.
So instead of approaching this as a battle, because then you will have very dramatic ayahuasca ceremonies, it's more accurate to approach it as a process where we ask, what is this connected to?
19:56
What is uncomplete, unfinished, What is still held in the body?
What is this teaching me?
If this emotion is my greatest teacher, if this emotion that I'm so scared of feeling, my anxiety, my rage, my anger, my sadness, my grief, if it was my greatest teacher on this planet, what is it trying to teach me?
20:16
Because if we skip that and you just extract it, remove it, pull it away, you also risk removing the symptom and keeping the costs.
And then something returns in a different form in a different time.
So our orientation here matters, and our humility, because this is not the territory that can be mastered with our brain where we can read a book and understand it.
20:39
This is multidimensional material, so nobody can really explain it completely.
Anyone who claims they can might be simplifying it or explaining it from one's perspective.
But you are so much more than one perspective.
And what you can do is to learn your own system through your own experience, your own observation, your own embodiment.
21:03
Will you stay present in what's actually happening in your body?
Because your body is going to be your greatest teacher for all of this work.
And over time, you will see your own patterns, what opens you, what destabilizes you, what grounds you, what closes you.
And in that sense, you become responsible for your own process.
21:23
And what I've seen again and again is that when these deeper wounds begin to resolve, a lot of our internal life starts to reorganize, like your soul's internal soul strings are starting to play in harmony.
There is resonance.
There is less noise, less fragmentation, more coherence.
21:42
And from that place, your relationship to the outside also changes, not because the world just turned differently, but because you are no longer relating to the world from the wound.
And this work, it requires some discipline and honesty, and it requires the willingness to stay with what is really, really uncomfortable long enough for it to move.
22:06
Because when you do, it shifts.
When you do, you can let go and it's over.
And then we enter this beautiful path of real liberation and transmission.
And that's what I experienced this weekend.
So I am so grateful for Grandmother Ayahuasca for helping me heal these wounds.
22:27
I can't believe how much time I was fighting this wound and running off to the flies and trying to kill them, when the real issue was a wound that just needed my love and care to heal and to close.
And after this retreat, what I feel with all of my childhood, my pain, my trauma, and also all of the gifts that came from this path with ayahuasca is that my journey now is just to be in deep gratitude.
22:57
Like my path is just made out of a million infinite thank yous.
And I'm so filled with gratitude for this medicine, for this tiny human family we have of 4 million people who have had the opportunity to work with ayahuasca for nature, for the moon, for goats, for my dog, and for this deep work that I get to be a part of.
23:18
So thank you for letting me share this work with you.
That is what I wanted to share with you this week, my friend.
And if you would be so kind to leave a review, that would also be amazing.
It's so lovely to see and hear from you and where you are in your process right now and knowing that we're sharing this path together.
23:40
And I also have an announcement after being on this retreat this weekend and after working closely with our shaman Cesar for 10 years and his beautiful wife Erica, and all of these incredible facilitators and therapists that come to this retreat every month doing breath work and sound healing and singing in ceremony.
24:01
I made a decision to go deeper onto my path and process and trust the medicine with all my heart and actually live on this retreat center.
I'll be there to support the English speaking retreats that I organized there under the full moon and also support the wider retreat work that is happening on the land.
24:20
Each month at the end of September we have our English speaking retreat where people also enter into pre integration circles before the retreat and integration circles after the retreat.
We will share three nights of Ayahuasca ceremonies and one day of San Pedro where we also experience a sweat lodge where we have a big pool to cool down during the warm day with live music, integration, circles, breath work, sound healing and so much more.
24:53
And monthly there are also Spanish retreats at this beautiful land.
And for those of you who don't speak Spanish, we have amazing translators that stay with you over those three days so you can understand what everyone is saying and can translate your words in the circles.
So if you're interested, feel free to join us on our calls every Wednesday where we do a breath work session and an integration circle each week.
25:17
And the 1st circle is always for free and you can signed up and find a link in the show notes.
I really hope I get to see you at one of these retreats one day.
Lots of love my friend and see you next week.
